Guilt

There are several expressions of unhealthy guilt that a person may feel and i shall list the common ones and i'm sure some will ring a bell for you. Please be gentle with yourself in recognising these within yourself. It is not an invitation for you to criticise yourself and feel more guilt. Rather, it is an invitation for awareness and the connection that you must have with love and free chioce that it affords in you and in others as well. So it is in your best interest to take a look at yourselves a little bit less seriously and perhaps even with a little bit of characteristic humour.

1. One expression of unhealthy guilt is when you say, "I'm overcommitted." Taking on more than any human being can reasonalbly accomplish is a common characteristic of unhealthy guilt. We have too many projects and too much to do and not enough time. It is a cause of stress and is fed by the difficulty that we have in saying no perhaps to our own needs and to other people's expectation of us. Furthermore, over-commitment is an addiction that keeps us anaesthetised to the anxious and empty feelings that will inevitably surface if we are left alone without distractions. So over-commitment is a way for us to avoid our pain. It blocks the process of recovery for us.

2. Another expression is, "I really know how to worry." When you start worrying about even the most common of things, it is basically 'awfulising" a common event. This immediate escalation of any small event into a world class catastrophe is what we talked about when Albert Ellis called it "awfulising". the most amazing feature is that little or no objective evidence is required to come to conclusions of unprecented gloom and doom. This kind of worry is the outer projection of our innermost fear and that of our own distraction. Without the knowledge of love, fear is that remains. We can never feel safe.

3. I often wake up feeling anxious or have periods when i am anxious for days and for weeks. If we are lucky, the anxiety begins after a good night's sleep. If not, it happens in the middle of the night or wakes up early and the mental wheels start to spin. We are ruminating in the past and it starts to take on a life of its own. You start to have conversations with yourself, "If only i has done this." or "If only i didn't do that." Accompanied by worries of future uncertainties, "What if this happens? or "What if that happens?" Our anxiety often masks danger as well. After all the people that we are saving or helping or demonstrating our achievements to, begin to look like our persecutors.

4. "I'm a compulsive helper." The ranks of helping professionals, nurses and therapists and volunteers and committee chairpersons are bulging with the guilty people. In reaching out to toehrs we naturally try and give them the love that we so desperately need ourselves. So if we don't know how to love ourselves, any attempts to love others.

Getting Off Our Buts (The incompletes)

The reason why alot of people are afraid to go past their comfort zones is that they are very risk averse. Risks can fall into a variety of categories. These are:

1. Spouse or partner risk. This is sharing what you want or think or feel of your spouse or partner.
   
2. Frendship risk which is hared feelings dealing with unresolved conflict.
   
3. Work or career risk, seeking a promotion or changing jobs.
   
4. Financial risk, setting up a significant retirement programme or investing in something new
   
5. Educational risks, taking classes outside your field or even getting a degree
   
6. Physical risks, climbing a mountain and participating in team sports
   
7. Spiritual risks, making a spiritual commitment and attending a retreat.
   
8. Material risk, purchasing a car or house or letting go of excesses that we may have.
   
9. Emotional risk, dealing with unresolved issues and looking forward.
   

To have more awareness, ask yourself in which of these categories do you experience the most comfort in risk taking and the most resistance. Then ask yourself, what is the learning here, what does this tell you about yourself? Creating more possibilities for yourself requires you to move outside your comfort zones and new dimensions actually awaken you beyond that wall of resistance that you have set up. High risk = Low risk, Low risk = High risk. Being risk averse creates a lot of incompleteness in our lives. We tend to leave these incompletes open as well. They affect our integrity. They also affect and infect our moral value systems and our belief systems and have a large impact on our lives.

Relationship incompletes are:

1. Having unresolved conflicts
   
2. Not showing appreciation
   
3. Withholding forgiveness
   
4. Having importent unexpressed feelings
   
5. Being unable to communicate expectations
   
6. Withholding an apology
   
7. Communicating an untruth
   
8. Having difficulty meeting new people
   
9. Not letting go of damaging relationships
   
10. Not developing intimacy with a special person
    
11. Saying, "i will love that person when......."
    

Integrity incompletes are:

1. Not keeping an agreement
   
2. Behaving differently when the person with whom you have an agreement is not present
   
3. Misrepresenting a product or service
   
4. Withholding important information
   

Career incompletes are:

1. Settling for a dead-end job
   
2. Not developing your talents and skills
   
3. Ignoring educational opportunities
   
4. Doing the minimum just to get by
   

Financial incompletes are:

1. Having unpaid debts
   
2. Not having a retirement plan
   
3. Not having a savings plan
   
4. Not having a college programme for your children
   
5. Not paying off the mortgage
   

Physical incompletes are:

1. Not establishing a healthy diet plan
   
2. Not commiting to a regular diet programme
   
3. Not quitting smoking
   
4. Not dealing with excessive drinking
   
5. Material incompletes could:
   
6. That dream house
   
7. That new car
   
8. Sending those old clothes to goodwill

Personal incompletes are:

1. Putting off that decision to have children
   
2. Deciding to have children when you really do not want to
   
3. Avoid setting goals or following through on action plans
   
4. Not clarifying personal missions and values
   
5. Saying "i will love myself when...."
   

Spiritual incompletes are:

1. Putting off this connection some later date
   
2. Dismissing spiritual guidance as unimportant even though an inner voice tells you to be open to it.
   

Take a look at these lists of incompletes and understand that incompletes have a more significant on our sense of well being than most people are willing to acknowledge.
A real transformation occurs when you shift your vision from the rear view mirror to the windshield. Incompletes have a way of diverting our attention to the rear view as we focus on what's behind us, our past history. Incompletes keep us living in the past while diminishing our present experiences as well. Break this pattern of the incompletes that have demanded so much of your time and attention! Start to move on! Understand that by taking more risks you start to open yourself to new learning and more exciting relationships with others and with new people and new learning and perhaps even nature. Not just nature all around you but the nature that is within you as well.